My five-year-old daughter is bossy, stubborn, defiant, and argues

My five-year-old daughter is bossy, stubborn, defiant, and argues so much with her father and me. The subject may be toys, candy, or bedtime. After using up all other resources known to us we usually try a few slaps. We invariably have more trouble. Now our three-year-old son is beginning to copy her antics. My husband says we must be more severe. Then we argue (after the children go to bed). I’m worried that such punishment may result in more resentment followed up by fear or hate. What do yon think? Whether or not your worries are justified depends largely upon the feelings of rapport you and your husband have with your daughter. If the three of you have many good times together and if she feels secure in your affection and in -the-assurance-that you are proud of her, she probably-can take these-occasional slaps and even an occasional argument without its causing a great deal of resentment on her part. I realize, of course, that a brief question or description, such as you have given, does not present an accurate picture of a family group. If your description is accurate, however, and your method of dealing with your daughter is primarily that of arguing and punishing, you have every reason to be disturbed. She is likely to grow in her resentment of and hostility toward you and your husband. These attitudes, furthermore, probably will be accompanied by a sense of guilt, which, in turn, may lead to further undesirable behavior.

Many times attention has been directed in this column to the growing feeling of independence that characterizes most five-year-old children. It has been noted, too, that this desire to be independent frequently leads these children to be bossy, stubborn, defiant, and argumentative. Your daughter, therefore, fits this description beautifully! It may well be, however, that in addition to this factor, your daughter has resented the attention you necessarily have had to give to her three-year-old brother. In fact, I get the impression that she may not be too certain of your affection and that she feels that you are disappointed in her.

If there is any likelihood of this being true, make special efforts to help her feel that you really do love her and are proud of her. Be understanding and patient. Realize that arguing and spanking do not get at the source of the difficulty. In fact, they multiply your problems.

For whatever comfort it may be, let H be said that in six months 'or a year your daughter probably will be much less bossy and stubborn. You will continue to have problems, though!