Part I Parents of teenagers toss and turn while

Part I

Parents of teenagers toss and turn while their children are out with the family car. Mothers of newborn babies awake in the middle of the night to check on their little ones, imagining a whimper, a sneeze, a shortness of breath.

Morning light reassures them. They think, “Oh, wasn’t that silly. It could never happen to me.”

But it does happen. Children die suddenly or slowly, leaving families completely devastated. No one can face it, this ultimate tragedy. Friends of the grief stricken family pay their respects and leave, never again to mention the name of the missing child, perhaps out of embarassment or mistaken kindness, more likely because they themselves cannot face the unspeakable loss that could just as easily have been theirs.

Why do friends behave this way?

“I understand it,” said Anne Tinsdale. “ In fact I behaved that way once myself.”

Anne lost her daughter Amy two years ago. “When Amy died one of the first people I thought of was an old acquaintance whose child had died almost five years before. I didn’t go to the funeral or to see her at the time, and when I had the opportunity later to offer my sympathy, I avoided bringing up the subject. I had the mistaken idea that if I didn’t remind her that her son was dead, maybe she wouldn’t think of it.

“Nothing could be further from reality, and Amy’s death made me realize how foolish and unkind I had really been. It had been I who could not face the reality of death, and my fear had sought all kinds of justifications.

“My friend of course came to Amy’s funeral, and my relief at finally being able to tell her how I felt and apologize for my cowardice was tremendous.”

Linda Payne of Jeffersonton lost her son, Richard three years ago. “People do avoid mentioning him because they don’t want to ‘remind’ us. Do they think we could forget?” she asked.

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