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At this point, the emotional roller coaster experienced by the co-alcoholics closely parallels that of the alcoholic. “If he’s sober, she’s happy ... if he’s drunk, she’s depressed.”
Mr. Treanor cautioned that “Any kindnesses play right into the disease.” He stressed that “detachment is vital” in successful treatment of the disease. “Let him lay, let him stay,” is the approach favored by most alcohol treatment experts. This means that the “enablers” refuse to cover any longer for the alcoholic.
Stage three of both diseases is characterized by chaos and a feeling of “what’s the use?” Failure is usually admitted by all the parties: on the alcoholic’s part, by progressively more outrageous behavior; on the co-alcholic’s part, by taking over the role of both spouses.
The family members become more interdependent, more isolated, and more resentful of the alcoholic and the situation. Chronic depression, wild and sometimes unexplained mood swings, and an overly close relationship with children (who are seen as “fellow sufferers”) characterize this stage of the disease, Mr. Treanor said.
“Many times, this is when the disease is recognized,” Mr. Treanor said, “because the co-alcoholic finally seeks help, often saying ‘I think I’m losing my mind...’.”
“Help comes,” he added, “when the silence is broken. Admitting the problem is one-half of the solution.”
Children at great risk
Seeking help, Mr. Treanor emphasized, is extremely important. Children of alcoholics are at particular risk. Between 50 and 60 percent become alcoholics during adulthood. Another significant percentage marry alcoholics, often before the spouse’s problem is identified.
96.4%